01 / The 2x Speed$500
Send me a Loom. I watch it at 2x speed in the Chipotle drive-thru while yelling my order over your intro.
- Async. We will never meet.
- At 2x you'll sound like a chipmunk with a Series A
- If the line moves, your pitch gets paused. Forever.
Pay $500 →
02 / The Doom Scroll$1,000
30 minutes. I'm on Reels the entire time. Brightness at 100% so you can watch the Reels reflect off my face.
- Camera on. Eyes not.
- I'll laugh at a dog video during your traction slide
- I'll say "wait, go back" about a Reel. Not your deck.
Pay $1,000 →
03 / The Partial Listen$1,300
Still scrolling, but one AirPod is in for you. The other one is a guy explaining the Roman Empire.
- ~40% attention. 45% if your slides have memes.
- I will nod at all the wrong moments
- At minute 27 I'll ask "so what does it do?"
Pay $1,300 →
Chef's kiss04 / The Chipotle$2,100
My full, undivided attention. Also a double-chicken burrito bowl, eaten directly into the mic. In 4K.
- Eye contact. Unbroken. Deeply uncomfortable.
- Every question asked with my mouth full
- Chip crunch timed perfectly to your revenue projections
Pay $2,100 →
05 / The Shark Tank$5,000
I put on a suit, sit in a chair way too big for me, and play dramatic music every time you say "pre-revenue."
- Suit. Big chair. Fog machine (pending).
- I ask your valuation, then just stare for 45 seconds
- I say "I'm out." No matter what. Especially if it's good.
Pay $5,000 →